My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
