Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
