I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
