So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
