The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
