I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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