TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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