I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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