my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
