I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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