I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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