Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
not ubering you a puppy
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
