I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
