dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
