she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
