I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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