I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
