**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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