He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
