two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
