Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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