I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
