Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
