I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Randomize
