My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
