My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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