so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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