I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
