Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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