so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
