I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
