hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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