All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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