I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
