there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
