i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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