how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
