Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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