somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
