Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
