Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
