so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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