I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
