Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
