Nicole vs. Life
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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