He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
