I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
