how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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