The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
