cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
