Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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