I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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